Feeling like a professional again

Thursday: Yesterday, I retrieved a message on my cell phone from my former department chair at Groves. She had just gotten back from vacation and saw that I wasn't on the schedule. She was calling to ask if everything was all right. I know part of her concern is that if I've bolted she'll have to do the yearbook this year. She had done it before at another school and loathed it. She was relieved last year when I agreed to take it on, fearful that it would be thrust onto her. I haven't returned the call yet because I need to get ahold of myself first. I'm worried that I won't be able to contain my overwhelming joy that I'm away from there and will inadvertently rub her face in it.

I would have to resist crowing about the nice facility, the warm administrative atmosphere, the students who sit, listen, and take notes, the 7:55 sign-in, administrators who don't see friendliness and kindness as a sign of weakness. Maybe it's just a little thing, but this week, the Literacy Coach said in an email that my lesson plans looked great and that they were thrilled to have me at the school. How healing it is for me to hear such things! My Ego has been so battered for the past year that the smiles and support of colleagues is like water in the desert.

The situation reminds me of a line from the short story "Story of an Hour" and this quote is an approximation: "Now she wished for a long life. Just yesterday, she had wished that her life would not be long." A few months ago, I was ready to quit teaching altogether, and now I feel so excited and renewed. The students today just about tore up the room with excitement in writing their own modernized scripts of the first conversation between Romeo and Juliet when they met at the party.

One thing that made me feel bullied in the last job was the principal's individualized emails written in giant letters which would shoot out five minutes after some form was due. "WHY DIDN'T YOU HAND IN XYZ FORM???" the message would read---the big letters mimicking the feeling of a person moving too close into your personal space--and half the time, I already had handed this stupid form in, whatever it was, but my name still somehow found its way onto her List of Irresponsible Employees. You always got the feeling that the entire administration was just watching and waiting for any little slip-up, so they could pounce.

By contrast, the new principal sends out supportive emails telling us how much he appreciates our hard work. Today's email included the statement, "Teachers, you don't need to fear making a mistake..." That hit the nail on the head of the feeling that pervaded at Groves, the fear that they would catch you at the one mistake you made all day in the midst of any successes.

I hope the school year continues as well as it has started. I am so blessed.