Weekend in Asheville, NC

The mountains! Both Liberto and I love them.

We visited Asheville, NC, for the first time this past weekend. Mark and Terry were going up to see friends and suggested we come along. We took separate cars and did our own things during the day, and ate dinner together on Friday and Saturday nights.

The video is one of several that describes a trip to the summit of Mitchell Mountain.
More details in the next entry.

Eight Koi Left

To our surprise, the white koi died suddenly the other day. It was late afternoon, and I went out to throw them some pellets. As I watched them converge on the food, I noticed the white one lying limply on its side at the opposite corner of the pond. I ran around to the other side of the pond, where it lay in the water, and there was no doubt, it was gone. In my past experience with fish, and I've been raising them for many years now, both in inside tanks and outside ponds, if a fish is sick, it shows obvious signs---swimming sideways and upside down, or breaking out in spots, something explicit. This one didn't have a mark on it. It had looked healthy a few hours earlier when I threw a few pellets in. I specifically remember seeing its big white face sticking out of the water, with its gaping mouth opening and closing in anticipation. I don't think it's the heat, because the pond is deep enough, with an underwater cave, to keep them cool enough. I don't overfeed them. The rule of thumb is that if they devour all you give them within a few minutes, then you're not overfeeding them. In addition, they need more food in the summer than winter. Fish can die from stress; for instance, if I were to try moving them to a different pond, they could die from the stress of being captured and transferred. Could something have stressed this fish? This one seemed to have a very stress-free and happy life (how's that for projecting?). Their lifespan is supposed to be 25 years. This fish was five years old (Paul can recite the exact date and year we purchased all nine fish, and from what store. I would love to have his memory.) I guess we'll never know. Shawn helped me bury it in the back yard. I always bury my fish who were pets, out of reverence for their beauty and importance to our lives. Over the years, we've lost pet fish, but these nine koi in the big pond have been a fixture for a long time. Now it's eight koi.

When Shawn moved to Phoenix a few years ago,he warned me that the three silverfish in his aquarium, which he left with us in Savannah, would probably die soon because their lifespan was three years and they were now three years old. Well, it's been five years now since he got them, and they're still happily swimming around in the aquarium in the living room.

For the past few days, between SAT grading and consti-petey walks, etc., I've been asking myself why I do not want to visit my sister this summer. She has asked me to come out for a few days, since I have the free time. At first, I told myself it was because of how much I would dislike the nuisance of a long flight, the endless lines, the hassles of sudden cancellations or delays, the baggage check fees, and the other annoyances, but then I realized that we did not even consider that when we flew to Phoenix several times to visit Shawn. We simply did it. Same with going to Washington to see Derek, Erin and Nicky, whether through airlines or driving. I thought about it more and realized that I have been avoiding visits with her because they tend to follow a predictable pattern, and I end up always feeling less good about myself when I leave than when I arrive. I know that Eleanor Roosevelt said that can't happen unless you give permission, and I don't give permission, but I don't appreciate having to work to refuse that permission in the first place. I may regret writing these thoughts, but they're on my mind, so I'm going to vent. Don't get me wrong, she has many, many great qualities, but I've summarized the top reasons why I don't feel comfortable visiting her.

1) No food in the refrigerator. Okay, there's some food, of course, but it's so minimal that you'd think she wants to ration it to me or make me seem gluttonous for wanting a normal breakfast, say. Food is not the center of my universe by a long shot, but I won't apologize for getting hungry when I do.

2)A topic that inevitably arises somewhere along the line is my weight---usually in the form of a polite inquiry. I'm long past the point where anybody's weight is of any interest to me, Oprah's or my own. I try to exercise and eat right, but I stopped being a slave to the numbers on the scale a long time ago. (I once was, in my twenties, so I know all about it.) In other words, I'm not into that mentality of either "Oh, I feel so good about myself and my life; I've lost five pounds!!" or the other extreme, "If I could only lose five pounds, my life will become happy at last." I guess you'd say I'm reasonably at peace with what I am now.

3) Judging other people based on weight. I'm tired of hearing her subtle references to Liberto's weight. Yes, he is large. He loves to eat. But as Shawn constantly points out, "You can't pinch an inch on him." He is large but solid from head to toe. I dare anyone to find an inch to pinch on him. He has been going to the gym three times a week for many years. Now, with his spinal problems, he has to be more careful, but he still goes. My point is, why should I have to defend my husband? The remarks are always very subtle, enough so that there is nothing explicit to defend, but I can read between the lines very well.

The subtle judgment towards people's weight applies to others too, not just Liberto.

4) Overall, unlike other people who have hosted me, she often has the effect of deflating my happiness, my contentment with my life choices, and my gratitude for all that I have. This is all done unconsciously, I assume. Again, it's not that I'm
"allowing it to happen" but it's more of a natural reaction to feeling put down in subtle ways. As Ann Landers always said, "Trust your instincts, even if you can't put a finger on what's happening."

I feel guilty for stating this out loud, but there you are. It's how I feel.
When I visit other people, such as my happy and inspiring cousins John and Jean, I always feel better when I leave, and isn't that how it should be?

Summer afternoon

It's been a quiet few days. Paul and I just got back from the swimming pool. When I'm grading SAT's, I need to stop every hour and do something else, such as swim, to avoid brain-fry. The way the College Board does it now is simply make the papers available 24/7 and graders just sign on and grade whenever.

Yesterday, I had a long surprise email from my Georgia Southern colleague, Marge, who I haven't seen or talked to since I gave a presentation at the Student Success in First Year Writing Conference in the spring of 2007. Our different schedules and the distance has reduced our contact. But I was happy to hear she's doing well and getting ready to retire year after next. I updated her on my new gig with the 9th graders and much more. It's always a lift to hear from a friend out of the blue.

Well, time to return to my SAT's.

SAT's, Oatland Island, errands

Time to check in with my blog. It's been a week, I see. Last time I wrote, I was taking the three-day RESA workshop on Covey's habits of highly effective people. Some of it was a stretch, but other parts proved useful, even eye-opening. In exploring with a partner a personal issue, summarizing it to my partner actually gave me an aha-moment. I'm sure he had a few of his own, too, while summarizing his issue to me. The American Psychiatric Association knew the effectiveness of empathic listening long before Covey, but it's part his seven-step package. The workshop ended Thursday. From Friday until right now, the days have been a blur because I've been grading the June SAT's.

Remembering Covey's point about "Putting First Things First," however, I agreed to ignore the hours I'd scheduled for grading and go to Oatland Island with Paul. Shawn had never been there, so he came along. We walked the familiar trails and saw the animal friends Paul is so fond of, especially the cougars. Although the temperature was searing and the humidity thick, the trails are shaded, so it wasn't too bad. We spent a few hours hiking and then drove to McDonald's and stuffed ourselves with burgers and fries, how sinful, but so satiating.

Shawn is still going through the process of enlisting in the military. There are numerous paperwork hurdles, but he's pursuing it.

Other than SAT's and Oatland Island, nothing much is going on. Paul has been called for Jury Duty next week (that's what you get for being a registered voter! his number is high, so I'd be surprised if he really had to go in) and the following weekend, we're going to Asheville, NC, with Mark and Terry.

I'm just fine with these lazy summer days...well, not so lazy; it takes a lot of concentration to read and score SAT essays. Maybe I mean "uneventful and unrushed."

Mission statement

I signed up for a three-day RESA workshop to get the PLU's. I wasn't that keen on the topic of the seminar, but for better or worse, I've completed the first day. I''m sure everyone has heard of Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People? That's what it's about. Generally, I don't like gimmicks or self-improvement programs with steps. Today, the leader was talking about some principles that make sense, such as everyone's individual paradigm for viewing life, but I take issue with other ideas, for instance, that we all can choose how we respond to external events, and if we choose positively, the pain will disappear. Is Covey saying that someone who has lost her life savings through the Enron sleazebags has a choice about how to respond to the event? And could choose to see it in any way other than emotional devastation? Or does one have a choice about the response to a job loss, loss of a loved one, a bad medical diagnosis? In fact, should one really choose to accept any of these events graciously, or use the energy from the anger or sorrow to better the situation, somehow? Most of the time today, I was thinking to myself, "I think I already get it, and I think I'm fairly happy with the choices I've made up to this point, so I don't feel the need to re-direct my life according to these principles." I'll try to keep an open mind. The homework for tonight was to create a personal mission statement. What is my mission and purpose in life? Twenty-five years ago, I would have said, "My mission is to have a happy marriage, to have a Ph.D. and a career in education, and a koi fish pond in the back yard, etc.etc." I knew what I wanted then, and I strove to fulfill that mission. As for life's purpose, twenty-five years ago, I would have stated that my purpose was to learn as much as possible in life through reading, traveling, and relationships with others, and to teach others what I've learned through writing, modeling, teaching, and conveying opinions and information to people I value. It is the same purpose today. One of the many reasons I fell in love with Liberto is because I was continually learning something new from him, directly and indirectly. Honestly, right now, my mission and purpose are no different than they were twenty-five years ago, except I'll add some amendments: I would like to go to Europe, I'd like to retire, I'd like to spend my days writing and puttering, I'd like Diana and Sharon and Doug to move to this area, I'd like to launch a creative idea I've had for a long time, but need technical help. Obviously, I can't turn in a mission statement like that. It's supposed to be more spiritual and character-based. But I mostly took care of that ages ago.

An interesting story emerged at the workshop that was tangentially related to the subject matter, but which sent chills through everyone in the room. We had to partner up and talk for some of the activities, and two ex-military men, both around fifty-something I'd say, discovered that they'd both had the same close call in 1988: they'd both been booked on Pan Am Flight 103 out of Frankfort, but had changed their plans at the last minute. One of them was bringing his entire family, including the cat, back to the states. When he got to the ticket counter and found out that the family cat would have to go into quarrantine for two months in London if they stopped there, he said, "I'm not letting my cat sit in quarantine" and changed to a different flight. He said today,"My family and I wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for that cat." The other man said he was booked on the flight because he had a two-week leave, but his wife convinced him that two weeks would be too short a time to go up to London, and they should do it later. The second man said since that event, he has spent all his life trying to determine his purpose and mission because of that near miss.

We had a wonderful time at Terry's and Mark's on Saturday night. We ate at a Thai Restaurant in Statesboro. My heart skipped a few beats when Liberto and I drove by Snooky's, my favorite hang-out with Sharon back in the day. I can just taste those mashed potatoes now and hear Sharon's witty remarks from across the table. Seeing the diner brought back fond memories. It looks like it's been remodeled. So does Statesboro, for that matter. It's not the little town it used to be. New buildings and businesses have sprung up everywhere.

We stayed overnight and enjoyed a nice long hike with the dogs in the morning, or least Terry and I did. Liberto's back was bothering him, and Mark has some knee issues. Terry has a cat that she wants to find a home for. I admit that I fell in love with the Zisco when I met her. She's a calico, no more than a year old, very playful and quirky. She has one slightly crooked ear, which gives her character. I was tempted to think about asking whether we could adopt her. But I don't think I could bear to lose another cat. I was so saddened to hear about Sharon's cat's passing.

Pete has been doing well lately. He's not exactly as energetic as a puppy, but he has good days where he seems like his old self.

Happy Friday

Just a quiet day. I drove with Paul for his quick dentist appointment. While he was having a small cavity filled, I drove over to nearby Barnes and Noble to get a book I need to read for the AP Workshop I'm taking in July. I felt as though I'd barely gotten into the heavenly rows of books when he called and said he was finished. I was having such fun browsing up and down the rows. To me, entering a bookstore is like walking through Paradise. I fall into a joyous trance. On the way home, we stopped at Food Lion for the lastest important missing item, this time carpet cleaner (Pete had a bad night), and I ran into a young teacher I had known at Groves, who did not return after maternity leave in the spring of 2008. She said she didn't come back partly because of the baby but also because she was sick and tired of the administration there. A ninth grade student had threatened her with bodily harm when she was very pregnant; she'd reported him, and all he got a few days off from school and was back again. At Richmond Hill, he would have received a one-way ticket out the door, case closed.

Paul and I drove home, and then I went to the gym for 45 minutes. I've spent the rest of the afternoon chit-chatting with Shawn in the living room, while watching Suze Orman scold people on Oprah and sorting through my piles of school papers. He's very psyched up for the Army and is waiting for the background check which should be back on Monday.

Liberto called on his way home from work, and sounds very unstressed out. Those four days on jury duty was just the vacation he needed. The doctors were exonerated, by the way, so the widow lost the case. L. felt bad about that, but had to follow the letter of the law.

Tomorrow night, we're going out for dinner with Terry and Mark in Statesboro and then spending the night at their house.

Shawn's new career, maybe

Yesterday, Shawn left at 12:30 p.m. and said he was going to Goodwill to buy some items that he could re-sell on ebay. When he hadn't returned by 7 p.m, I was concerned. I can't help it; I'm a mother. Although he's a grown man with a black belt in karate, very sharp and alert, his car sounds like it's on its last wheels and his cell phone is temporarily shut off, so I worried that he had car trouble but was unable to call. However, when he got back at 7, he gave us some surprising news. He had stopped at the Army Recruiting Center to see if there was any chance of enlisting in the military. He learned that the U.S. Army has changed the age limit, and they do take people who are 35, provided they pass the battery of tests. In the back of his mind, S. has always liked the idea of the military because 1)there are good financial benefits, including lump-sum bonuses 2)training in a skill 3)it's a career, not a boring-ass dead-end job 4)and you get to carry a gun! For a dominant personality like he has, I could picture him as a commander ordering all the foot soldiers around; however, as we reminded him, he has to be the one dominated by many other very stong personalities first, for a long time, starting with basic training. He said he could easily suppress his tendency to be right about everything, as long as the money was good. He took a three hour test, which is why he was gone so long, and was asking a lot of questions.

He seemed genuinely happy at the prospect of being all that he can be. Around here, the military is a big industry and many people that we know have done well for themselves via a military career. He says he can retire with a pension at 55, which is more than I can say for myself. We strongly suggested that if this were to come about, he should immediately set up a direct deposit savings account which he doesn't have easy access to, and have most or all of his paychecks placed there. If he did, and all his other needs were paid for by the military, he could save a bundle of money over the years.

The obvious drawback to this career choice is the prospect of being blown up by a suicide bomber in Baghdad. He shrugged and said, "Oh well. If that happened, I wouldn't know it. I'd be dead." He has a fatalistic outlook on life and death. I'd be horrified at the prospect of his being sent to Iraq or Afghanistan, but if that's what he really wants and it makes him happy, it's not my choice. As he pointed out, there are a lot of stateside places where soldiers are stationed, as well as non-combatant European countries. Maybe a nice gig in Hawaii?

Just now, the Army phoned and told him he got a 90 on the three-hour test he took yesterday. Having passed with flying colors, they invited him over to pick up the stack of paperwork he must fill out, which will take all afternoon. Then he has to undergo a background check and a physical. They will evaluate his overall abilities and then tell him what his choices are with them. Yesterday, he found out that there are no more openings until October. That would be the soonest he would enlist, if he were to enlist. But he's really serious about this.

Liberto had jury duty this week, and was selected to be on the jury on the first day. We were trying to analyze why he was selected yet again---he sat on another jury last time he was called---and I've never been selected. We think it's because he's a minority and the deceased plantiff was a minority, and because the case is a hospital malpractice suit, and L's had many a visit to hospitals in the last fifteen years, ranging from kidney surgery and gall bladder to deviated septum and adenoids, not to mention dozens of the outpatient procedures, especially in recent years. Maybe the lawyer who brought the suit figured he would be sympathetic to the hospital's alleged screw-up. The suit was brought by the deceased's widow. The late patient was only 28. He'd gone to the hospital emergency room a month before with high fever and they gave him antibiotics. He went home. A month later he was back, again with a high fever. An emergency room doctor administered more antibiotics, and this is the key, in Liberto's mind, they left the patient alone in a room after giving him the antibiotics. He began to feel unwell, and had to walk from the bed to the nurses' station to tell them he was feeling much worse, and then he went into Code. They apparently tried everything to revive him. L. feels that it should have been part of hospital procedure to have someone stay with a patient after any drug is administered, or at the very least have a buzzer he could push, or a camera or monitor watching. L. once had a reaction to the dye they inject to observe kidney stones, but luckily the nurse was right by his side. All this has kept Liberto away from work this week, but it's a blessing in disguise because he's gotten so strung out with work, that he needs to get his mind off it. He's been able to manage whatever big projects he's working on with phone calls and emails in the evening.

I've tried a new and expensive dog food on Pete, and was surprised to see a remarkable improvement. He looks better, his coat is shinier, and he can walk longer without getting tired.

Life has settled into a summer routine, with little to report beyond the usual household business. Dull as it would appear to any outsider, I love being at home and having the time to do the trivialities as well as reading, writing, and thinking. I haven't dreamed about students or lesson plans for at least four nights now. The last day of school was a week ago. . . those dreams should have stopped immediately! My routine is montonous and predictable, and that's fine: Food Lion at least once a day to replace the food that disappeared during the night. Maintenance appointments that can't be done during the school year: eye exam yesterday, dentist tomorrow (for Paul, but he likes having me go with him when I'm available, even though he's gone many times on his own). Household phone calls: To the insurance company to find out why Liberto suddenly has two different policies on his car, and knowing the insurance company, they're probably charging us double; to my health provider to find out if they've paid their share for all Liberto's medical care with the spine. Even with two insurances, the stack of bills and insurance information comes flying at us so fast I can't keep up, and I don't know how to read or understand them half the time. They always insist that we owe them money.

My days involve a lot of walking (three times for Pete yesterday since he was having trouble with his business), swimming at the community pool, and going to the gym.

I've been sorting through the school-related clutter and trashing as much as possible. Of course, there's always laundry, dishes, and picking up after others.

Paul had to give a presentation for his Marketing class yesterday, and another one today for a Business class, so I've been the practice audience many times. Although his major is Drafting, he needed some electives. Both courses have been good for him. One of them required him to interview the manager of a store for a project. This, in addition to the public presentations, have been good for him since he's such a loner, although he's happy with himself that way.