To our surprise, the white koi died suddenly the other day. It was late afternoon, and I went out to throw them some pellets. As I watched them converge on the food, I noticed the white one lying limply on its side at the opposite corner of the pond. I ran around to the other side of the pond, where it lay in the water, and there was no doubt, it was gone. In my past experience with fish, and I've been raising them for many years now, both in inside tanks and outside ponds, if a fish is sick, it shows obvious signs---swimming sideways and upside down, or breaking out in spots, something explicit. This one didn't have a mark on it. It had looked healthy a few hours earlier when I threw a few pellets in. I specifically remember seeing its big white face sticking out of the water, with its gaping mouth opening and closing in anticipation. I don't think it's the heat, because the pond is deep enough, with an underwater cave, to keep them cool enough. I don't overfeed them. The rule of thumb is that if they devour all you give them within a few minutes, then you're not overfeeding them. In addition, they need more food in the summer than winter. Fish can die from stress; for instance, if I were to try moving them to a different pond, they could die from the stress of being captured and transferred. Could something have stressed this fish? This one seemed to have a very stress-free and happy life (how's that for projecting?). Their lifespan is supposed to be 25 years. This fish was five years old (Paul can recite the exact date and year we purchased all nine fish, and from what store. I would love to have his memory.) I guess we'll never know. Shawn helped me bury it in the back yard. I always bury my fish who were pets, out of reverence for their beauty and importance to our lives. Over the years, we've lost pet fish, but these nine koi in the big pond have been a fixture for a long time. Now it's eight koi.
When Shawn moved to Phoenix a few years ago,he warned me that the three silverfish in his aquarium, which he left with us in Savannah, would probably die soon because their lifespan was three years and they were now three years old. Well, it's been five years now since he got them, and they're still happily swimming around in the aquarium in the living room.
For the past few days, between SAT grading and consti-petey walks, etc., I've been asking myself why I do not want to visit my sister this summer. She has asked me to come out for a few days, since I have the free time. At first, I told myself it was because of how much I would dislike the nuisance of a long flight, the endless lines, the hassles of sudden cancellations or delays, the baggage check fees, and the other annoyances, but then I realized that we did not even consider that when we flew to Phoenix several times to visit Shawn. We simply did it. Same with going to Washington to see Derek, Erin and Nicky, whether through airlines or driving. I thought about it more and realized that I have been avoiding visits with her because they tend to follow a predictable pattern, and I end up always feeling less good about myself when I leave than when I arrive. I know that Eleanor Roosevelt said that can't happen unless you give permission, and I don't give permission, but I don't appreciate having to work to refuse that permission in the first place. I may regret writing these thoughts, but they're on my mind, so I'm going to vent. Don't get me wrong, she has many, many great qualities, but I've summarized the top reasons why I don't feel comfortable visiting her.
1) No food in the refrigerator. Okay, there's some food, of course, but it's so minimal that you'd think she wants to ration it to me or make me seem gluttonous for wanting a normal breakfast, say. Food is not the center of my universe by a long shot, but I won't apologize for getting hungry when I do.
2)A topic that inevitably arises somewhere along the line is my weight---usually in the form of a polite inquiry. I'm long past the point where anybody's weight is of any interest to me, Oprah's or my own. I try to exercise and eat right, but I stopped being a slave to the numbers on the scale a long time ago. (I once was, in my twenties, so I know all about it.) In other words, I'm not into that mentality of either "Oh, I feel so good about myself and my life; I've lost five pounds!!" or the other extreme, "If I could only lose five pounds, my life will become happy at last." I guess you'd say I'm reasonably at peace with what I am now.
3) Judging other people based on weight. I'm tired of hearing her subtle references to Liberto's weight. Yes, he is large. He loves to eat. But as Shawn constantly points out, "You can't pinch an inch on him." He is large but solid from head to toe. I dare anyone to find an inch to pinch on him. He has been going to the gym three times a week for many years. Now, with his spinal problems, he has to be more careful, but he still goes. My point is, why should I have to defend my husband? The remarks are always very subtle, enough so that there is nothing explicit to defend, but I can read between the lines very well.
The subtle judgment towards people's weight applies to others too, not just Liberto.
4) Overall, unlike other people who have hosted me, she often has the effect of deflating my happiness, my contentment with my life choices, and my gratitude for all that I have. This is all done unconsciously, I assume. Again, it's not that I'm
"allowing it to happen" but it's more of a natural reaction to feeling put down in subtle ways. As Ann Landers always said, "Trust your instincts, even if you can't put a finger on what's happening."
I feel guilty for stating this out loud, but there you are. It's how I feel.
When I visit other people, such as my happy and inspiring cousins John and Jean, I always feel better when I leave, and isn't that how it should be?
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